My sister was in full go with training her horse. Our beautiful beloved Ängel (Angel)

(the one to the left)

I was planning my studies and spent my time at home. At this point I had nothing to do with the stables other than what my sister and my mom did. I missed it a lot.
At this time I also got admin on prophunt, a beloved comunity that I still adore and I'm forever grateful to get the chance to help the comunity for the better.

February;

I started my studies, I still spent all my time at home, doing nothing at all whatsoever except playing with Ailu and doing my studies.

During january - augusti there's not any post on my blog. I didnt write simply cause I had nothing to do at all.
February was the most heartbreaking month so far at that point.
On the 7th of february my mom calls me. And she says that their pony does no longer breathe. I went in to chock and I just couldnt understand.
We both cried and I thought my heart was gonna break.

How could it be fair that the sweetest little pony we ever knew couldnt stay with us. She was truly our angel.

 

March:

Here, I have no memories. No posts, I didnt post anything on facebook, anything on the blog.

Nothing.

 

April; 

I spent my days trying to keep our family together. Trying to keep myself sane.
We took a trip to Sam's parents, spent a couple of days over easter in a cabin there.
Our dog was superhappy and it was nice to do something else for a change.
My sisters new pony arrived, a little sparrow 
A young star that I convinced my sister to take on, I knew the road wasnt going to be easy, but I also saw the qualities in the pony and I know what my sister is capable of.

 

May; 
Started with that our Ailu escaped one night. I was so scared and spent the whole night on skype with a friend in between being out looking for him. My friend tried to keep my sane and I was convinced that I would never see Ailu again.

Luckily we found him in the morning! <3

Other than that I didnt do much in may either.

 

June:
I spent a lot of time around the horses. It was a showjumping practice, the national day with the horses in the carnival, I was so proud over sis and her pony.

 

After this, it went to hell.

I dont know dates or if it was june or july. I think I supressed it all.
But at this point I was on the spot of finishing my studies. My best friend since 14years was visiting.
It ended up with her leaving one night and we havent talked since. I dont want to go in to details.
But I've never cried so bad in my life. The anxiety was eating me up on the inside and all I could do is lay in bed, cry and keeping my arms around my chest and trying to hold it together.
I was a mess. I failed all my tests and I was dead on the inside.
Only a couple of weeks later I spent one night drinking, packing up my stuff and I moved back home.
Me and Sam broke up and once again I found myself at the bottom of a dark hole and this was the first time in years when I thought about dying.
Why should I live? My life seemed pointless. I was 25, unemployed, nowhere to live, no one to talk to.
I moved back to my family and I got my old girlroom back and I tried to keep myself together.

August: 

I spent august trying to piece myself back together.
Spent a lot of time with my mom and the horses.

I started to work at the school, as a lunchlady and found myself pretty comfortable with it.
I loved the weeks when I got to go down to the daycare and meet all the kids.

 

September;

I started over with the horses, started to take lessons again and it felt like a piece of me came back. How did I ever doubt where I belong?
I lost a lot of weight. In total to this point around 34pounds (17kg)

I tried the best I could to keep an apperance up, trying to act strong. But on the inside I was so weak, always cried myself to sleep silently and woke up every morning to messages about how bad of a person I was, how useless I was, that I was never good enough.

I celebrated my birthday. 26

I spent nights just taking walks to clear my head.

 

October;

We got the first snow in october, we had our Gala with all the other clubs in the village. 
I arranged the halloween show at the equestrianclub.

 

November;
Celebrated halloween with my big brother

My sister did her first showjumping "competition" and they got a prize. And there I was again, superproud!
She also trained for a very famous trainer and got good words from him.

 

December;
So here we are now.
In december I decided to start to go to the gym again. Started to do some workout
Celebrated christmas with my family and now here I am.
Thinking back on the year, I've cried and giggled while writing this.

For exactly a year ago I sat on the porch with my dog and watched the fireworks, Just him and me, my heart was aching and I prayed for the year to be better than the end of the last one. It didnt turn out that way.

But I've settled now. I'm somewhat okey with my life. I wish to continue to work at the school and on the side I plan on studying, maybe moving, I have nothing that keeps me here anymore. And 2015 can not be worse than 2014 so I'm prepared for pretty much anything.

I'm grateful for all I've been through, it helps shaping the person I'm still becoming.
For all my family, all my friends that's been there for me during this. I love you.
I could'nt have lived through it without you.

 

And with this post I'm closing down my blog. This is the last post that's gonna enter this blog.
This is a finished chapter in my life that I do not wish to look back on.

Happy new years everyone.