2014, the year everything changed.

2014-12-31 @ 14:53:40 / Allmänt / Kommentera (0) st
So, My yearressume will not be one of those facebook ones. I decided to write my own.
2014 was the year that everything changed for me. My life took a turn for a way that I never thought was gonna happen.
But let's not jump ahead. Mom, I suggest you don't read this.
Ailu was a year old and was the apple of my eye.
My sister was in full go with training her horse. Our beautiful beloved Ängel (Angel)
(the one to the left)
I was planning my studies and spent my time at home. At this point I had nothing to do with the stables other than what my sister and my mom did. I missed it a lot.
At this time I also got admin on prophunt, a beloved comunity that I still adore and I'm forever grateful to get the chance to help the comunity for the better.

I started my studies, I still spent all my time at home, doing nothing at all whatsoever except playing with Ailu and doing my studies.
During january - augusti there's not any post on my blog. I didnt write simply cause I had nothing to do at all.
February was the most heartbreaking month so far at that point.
On the 7th of february my mom calls me. And she says that their pony does no longer breathe. I went in to chock and I just couldnt understand.
We both cried and I thought my heart was gonna break.
How could it be fair that the sweetest little pony we ever knew couldnt stay with us. She was truly our angel.
Here, I have no memories. No posts, I didnt post anything on facebook, anything on the blog.
I spent my days trying to keep our family together. Trying to keep myself sane.
We took a trip to Sam's parents, spent a couple of days over easter in a cabin there.
Our dog was superhappy and it was nice to do something else for a change.
My sisters new pony arrived, a little sparrow 
A young star that I convinced my sister to take on, I knew the road wasnt going to be easy, but I also saw the qualities in the pony and I know what my sister is capable of.
Started with that our Ailu escaped one night. I was so scared and spent the whole night on skype with a friend in between being out looking for him. My friend tried to keep my sane and I was convinced that I would never see Ailu again.
Luckily we found him in the morning! <3
Other than that I didnt do much in may either.
I spent a lot of time around the horses. It was a showjumping practice, the national day with the horses in the carnival, I was so proud over sis and her pony.
After this, it went to hell.
I dont know dates or if it was june or july. I think I supressed it all.
But at this point I was on the spot of finishing my studies. My best friend since 14years was visiting.
It ended up with her leaving one night and we havent talked since. I dont want to go in to details.
But I've never cried so bad in my life. The anxiety was eating me up on the inside and all I could do is lay in bed, cry and keeping my arms around my chest and trying to hold it together.
I was a mess. I failed all my tests and I was dead on the inside.
Only a couple of weeks later I spent one night drinking, packing up my stuff and I moved back home.
Me and Sam broke up and once again I found myself at the bottom of a dark hole and this was the first time in years when I thought about dying.
Why should I live? My life seemed pointless. I was 25, unemployed, nowhere to live, no one to talk to.
I moved back to my family and I got my old girlroom back and I tried to keep myself together.

I spent august trying to piece myself back together.
Spent a lot of time with my mom and the horses.
I started to work at the school, as a lunchlady and found myself pretty comfortable with it.
I loved the weeks when I got to go down to the daycare and meet all the kids.
I started over with the horses, started to take lessons again and it felt like a piece of me came back. How did I ever doubt where I belong?
I lost a lot of weight. In total to this point around 34pounds (17kg)
I tried the best I could to keep an apperance up, trying to act strong. But on the inside I was so weak, always cried myself to sleep silently and woke up every morning to messages about how bad of a person I was, how useless I was, that I was never good enough.
I celebrated my birthday. 26
I spent nights just taking walks to clear my head.
We got the first snow in october, we had our Gala with all the other clubs in the village. 
I arranged the halloween show at the equestrianclub.
Celebrated halloween with my big brother
My sister did her first showjumping "competition" and they got a prize. And there I was again, superproud!
She also trained for a very famous trainer and got good words from him.
So here we are now.
In december I decided to start to go to the gym again. Started to do some workout
Celebrated christmas with my family and now here I am.
Thinking back on the year, I've cried and giggled while writing this.
For exactly a year ago I sat on the porch with my dog and watched the fireworks, Just him and me, my heart was aching and I prayed for the year to be better than the end of the last one. It didnt turn out that way.
But I've settled now. I'm somewhat okey with my life. I wish to continue to work at the school and on the side I plan on studying, maybe moving, I have nothing that keeps me here anymore. And 2015 can not be worse than 2014 so I'm prepared for pretty much anything.

I'm grateful for all I've been through, it helps shaping the person I'm still becoming.
For all my family, all my friends that's been there for me during this. I love you.
I could'nt have lived through it without you.
And with this post I'm closing down my blog. This is the last post that's gonna enter this blog.
This is a finished chapter in my life that I do not wish to look back on.
Happy new years everyone.


2014-09-30 @ 09:50:36 / / Kommentera (0) st
New phone. Now i can blog on the go =D

A while since last time

2014-09-25 @ 16:40:00 / Allmänt / Kommentera (0) st
So It's been a while again, haha I suck at this ^^
Anyhow, I'm planning on doing a bigger post soon, just.. need to formulate my thoughts a little ^^

Where do we go?

2014-09-13 @ 11:36:20 / Allmänt / Kommentera (0) st
When hope runs out and there's nothing left?

Sometimes I get so tired,
Just trying to find a place,
To lay my head,
I look up to the sky,
I feel the warmest light comfort me,
I've seen the great heights,
Reminding me... That I'm alive

I don't wanna die,
I don't wanna waste another day,
Or night,
I know there's something more,
Than what we're living for,
I see it in the stars,
I feel it on the shores,
I know there's something,
I know there's something more.

Some people spend more time whising for what they dont have, than appreciating what they do have. If you dont get your miracle, become one.

Baby you would take away everything good in my life.

2014-09-03 @ 22:38:26 / Allmänt / Kommentera (0) st
So.. Yesterday it was finally time for me to get back on the horse.
My first real riding in 1,5 years.

Ofc I got put on my prince Vivack. I figured that out already ^^
Came there, goofing of, giggeling like a schoolgirl and was superexcited. Got some brushes and started to make him ready for the lesson, I kinda forgot how big he was during the time I was away xD
Then I watched the lessons before mine.
Got the saddle and the bridle on and up up and away ^^

I got up in the saddle and god it felt like home. 
The lesson itself was about collecting. Collected walk, collected trot,
So we rode in a straight line and then collected the walk for a few steps, making a stop and then moving on again.
Same in the trot, at first he was a bit tense and was fighting against the briddle and was more focused on things happening around us. But after a few laps and some canter he calmed down and in the end he was sooooo good! I got a really good feeling.

This morning I just felt a little ache in my seatbones.
Now it's getting worse and worse xD
My calfs, shoulders, highstomachmuscles and my ass is all aching xD
And I know it will only get worse the next couple of days.

But I cant wait untill next tuesday =3 How did I ever doubt where I belong?

Vi klarar oss till våren

2014-09-02 @ 07:11:16 / Allmänt / Kommentera (0) st
I'm still supersick, coughing and uugh >,<
But today it's finally time for my first ridinglesson, I feel like a kid again. Superexcited =D


2014-08-28 @ 06:54:38 / Allmänt / Kommentera (0) st
One more day and then it's weekend.
I had such a fevertop last night, goddamn everything was such an effort and it was a frekking sauna in my room.
And I hate waking up after having feverdreams, they make me tired >,< And I cough like hell in the morning aswell. Uugh.

Well well. Thursday today, friday tomorrow.
Two more days and then I can sleep and rest.
Music in the ears, bite my lip and keep going ^^

Uugh, goodmorning

2014-08-26 @ 07:01:09 / Allmänt / Kommentera (0) st
I've caught a cold. Runny nose, headache, sore throat.
Slept really bad this night cause I couldnt breathe xD 
Oh well. It's time to put some clothes on and limp down to work. My knee still hurts as fuck, it's a little better today tho =)
Music in my ears will save this day. And painkillers xD

When your body is not adjusted to your head

2014-08-24 @ 20:48:19 / Allmänt / Kommentera (0) st
Haha okey so.. It's been...
1year and.. 3months since I was last doing horsebackriding "seriously" taking lessons and such. since then I've been in a saddle twice.
Today it was time to ride the horses back to the equestriancenter and since Im going to take lessons this fall I signed up to ride my old carehorse Vivack. Or PrinceVire as I call him xD
So.. Went to the fence. Started to call for him and the other horse. Nothing, start to wander around this huuuuge fence, didnt find them anywhere. We walk for a good 10min without finding them. They were at the place furthest away ofc. Took them with us up to the barn, started to look for saddles and briddles. To the other horse we found his things. To Prince, nope. Nothing, but I was like oh well, he's nice and calm, I'll just take some reins and ride him bridleless and bareback.
Said and done, away we go.
I sit and lean backwards on his back talking to the other girl, no saddle no briddle just loving being on a horse again.
Suddenly, a monster appears. It was sneaking towards us, without a sound, then turning away to lead us to think that we were safe. Prince didnt believe it and didnt wanna go. So we went around the other way, then the monster came creeping towards us again. Prince starts to spin in cirkles so I jump off before I fall off xD We walk past the monster. It was a robot-grassclipper xD You know one of those where you put up ribbons to show where it's gonna cut. Anyhow.

I jump back up and we continue, the rain starts to fall and it's just.. Amazing being on a horse again.
Then we ride by the old animalfarm, and the horses doesnt like that so slightly before my Prince starts acting up again. Backing, spinning in a cirkle, almost walking in to the other horse. But we got past. Then all of a sudden he takes a huuge step to the side. I was unprepared and fell on the ground on my back like a turtle xD
The reins broke and the other girl asked if I was ok. I sit up, nothing broken. I sit on my knees, aoch... I hurt my left knee. I get up, limping away thinking I could walk the last part. But my knee was hurting so goddamn much I had to find a rock so I could get back on the horse (He's a really big one)
So I get up on the rock, takes me about three tries to get back up xD And we continue to the center without further accidents.

Now I'm home and gonna put some heatcare on the knee and hope that it is good to go for tomorrow. It's probably the leading-string on the outside of the knee that got hurt. :3
Goddamnit, the balance is not what it used to be xD

This made my day

2014-08-21 @ 16:06:20 / Allmänt / Kommentera (0) st
Such a talented and humoristic group xD I'm sitting with a big smile after seeing it. Hahaha

So far I've spent today with working and now looking up some new music for my mp3 to have when we clean or when I walk between the kitchen and the daycarechildren ^^
Haha, can't focus on typing cause I sing too much.
C ya later!

Goddamnit xD

2014-08-19 @ 22:21:21 / Allmänt / Kommentera (0) st
I knew I shouldnt be at the equestrian when there was signing for new lessons.
I signed back up, so lessons twice a week xD

Other than that I met a new mom and her kid, the daughter only spoke english so I started to talk english to her, and then her mom said "Have you been living in america?" She thought I had an american accent, it was a very nice compliment =3
Well, time to sleep. Work tomorrow.
G'night folks

Love is an open door

2014-08-18 @ 21:12:58 / Allmänt / Kommentera (0) st
So the first day for "real" on the job.
Was totally fine, I like the two last hours the most, that means I can put on my music and just jazz around and cleaning, haha.
I need some new music tho, so please send me some tips!
Other than that, nothing new under the sun.
I have a nasty nasty headache so I'm gonna go take a shower and go to sleep.

C ya around

I am still afraid

2014-08-14 @ 07:15:51 / Allmänt / Kommentera (0) st
It bothers me to hell how weak I am.
That one simple message can ruin me like that.
My demons are eating my chest from the inside and the bad things are twirling in my head.
"Useless, not good enough, not thin enough, need makeup to be pretty, not doing enough, not sexy enough, not happy enough, bitchy, lying"
And the timing is just perfect, I'm on the edge of getting sick, I still have a headache since yesterday, I have a full on weekend where I am supposed to sing for a hellot of people, and my selfconfidence is at the bottom.
The timing is great, I dont know how I'm supposed to come through.
How can someone as bad, ugly and fat as me go ahead and stand infront of an audience? Uugh..
I feel sick, like I'm gonna throw up. 
I never thought I could feel this way towards you, I used to love you so highly, so highly I never saw your flaws, I only asked you to change one thing, wich you didnt think I was important enough to do it for. While you changed everything that was me.

I'm sorry you never got to change enough of me. Maybe then I would've fitted in to yours and your familys life. But we both know I didnt.
As you said, I wasnt the logical choice.
But I'll be fine, I know I will. And you don't have to worry about me, ever again.
This is the last thing you're going to hear from me, and the last tears that I am gonna waste on you.
You didn't just lose your girlfriend and your co-living.
Now you lost a friend aswell.
Hope it was worth it.

Don't you worry child

2014-08-12 @ 20:38:49 / Allmänt / Kommentera (0) st
Work 7,30 - 1, then home, played a little. Got invited to some game, when I came there it turned out to be a tryout for a new dodgeball clan. I told them I'm not good enough, but they took me in anyway. Hahah.
Then away for some song and guitarr practice. Then home, dinner and then mom asked if I could follow to the horses to put up some fence for a new pen.

When we came there, there was already people doing the fence so we went up to the horses and started to put on the anti-mosquito spray on them, I wrestled with the little yellow pony, he doesnt like the spray. Haha.
Then we took them down to the other pen to the other horses, my sis's pony was happy xD He ran around like a maniac. Then I gave one of them food, but when the other horses got close he got scared so he knocked me with his big head straight over my eyebrow, hurts like fuck ^^
Then we took down the old pen and then went to the equestrian center to check up on my mom's pony aswell.

And now we're home.
Some gaming, a shower and then bed? Yes.

C ya around

Full house

2014-08-11 @ 07:00:46 / Allmänt / Kommentera (1) st
Saturday, haha.
It was all good, he wasnt nervous, he jumped and everything went well. We discussed however we should do it ourselfs or not. I said no, never, defenitly not xD
Not a chance in hell.
Then, straight home.
I spent the evening with setting up my desktop computer again so I could get back to gaming.
Me and sis spent the day in front of the computer togheter. I taught her how to play prophunt, haha. She liked it though ^^
And we were to check on the horses cause Valle (Sis's pony) had his birthday yesterday =D So we went to give them apples and such ^^
And I went through some of the stuff from the house. *sigh*
Well well..
Now the clock is 7 in the morning and I'm gonna go brush my teeth and start to go down to my new job and do my first day there.
I havent slept good at all cause there was this goddamn fly that kept harassing me >,< But oh well, I'll be tired and all good to sleep tonight instead then I hope.
Just gotta remind myself to charge my mp3 so I can take a walk with music later. Didnt walk either saturday or sunday. Bad bad.
Anyhow, time to go =)
C ya around!